journal entry #1

{ just thoughts because it’s 12am and i can’t think in completed sentences. }

~ trigger warnings: mental health, seasonal affective disorder

⋆‧₊˚ ☁️⋅𓂃 ࣪ ִֶָ☾. 🍂 ˙✧˖°

on first day of october i always think of anne of green gables – “i am so glad i live in a world where there are octobers.”

autumn is my favourite season with the cool weather, the fall leaves in all their colors, baking everything apple, cooking squashes, and feeling so alive. the sunsets turn everything golden. borrowing under blankets at night with the windows open and reading dark academia books. watching the lord of the rings and listening to sad fall music. wearing sweaters and flannels. going to coffee shops on rainy days and writing with the comforting background noises.

this is the type of autumn that comes to mind every year, but it is not quite my reality. september starts out hopeful for all the things i want to do but i always end up in a tailspin. beneath all of it is dread of the upcoming holidays when work is the busiest and most frustrating and then after the silence that settles over everything in january and february and march. it’s a dry type of drowning. the sun is all around me and everything feels so alive except i am slowly dying like the leaves on the trees.

these months always pass too quickly, quicker every year and the winter drags on for longer. the aesthetics of it are lost in everything that looms ahead.

memories i have been forgetting come back. what’s the saying about memories, about learning from the past…? but forgetting is like morphine. how else do i get through what is my life?

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my autumn aesthetic is pos and sexual harassment training. apple cider donuts being made on the weekends and running endless rolls of quarters out for that register. getting out of work at seven and it being dark outside, the moon already high up. anger rising with each hour of work added to my experience. sleepless nights becoming normal until i am so tired that everything feels slightly like a daze. work and studying. more studying and work. forced busyness because quiet is perhaps my greatest enemy.

i am falling back into patterns. patterns that are my normal and have been for the past eight years. maybe i want to change but it feels like a violation to destroy years of habits.

change is relative anyways.

i’m just waiting for everything to inevitably collapse again.

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october mornings are chilly and foggy but by midday the mist has evaporated and the sun is high and warm in the sky. it feels like stolen moments of summer.

a part of me feels like i’m floating through my days, i can’t remember what i did the other day.

on my lunch break i sit outside at the tables in the front of the store. the sound of cars, carts and people surround me, it’s one of the only times i feel grounded.

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i don’t know why i’m writing this, it’s not like a letter for help. maybe just to say you’re not alone.

~ ming