journal entry #2

i started writing this back at the end of october and never finished it.

every year i wait for autumn to arrive slowly in all of its colors. the weather cools and leaves of red, orange, and yellow fall at my feet as i walk across the parking lot to my job. as the years go by however autumn sneaks up on me. i am going through my life with my head down and when i finally have a chance to breathe and look up it is a week until november and autumn can be considered almost over. this entire year has slipped past me. it is exhausting to feel constantly behind, to feel as if all i am doing is trying to catch up with some obscure construct that makes me feel this way.

dry leaves scrape across the pavement. their carcasses crunch under my shoes, each is a finality to the coming of winter. november is an odd month. one of the three that only has thirty days and that makes it feel shorter without considering the rush of the impending holidays. i’ve heard people say that they disliked november but to me it is the last month of respite before everything else.

golden hour is the most beautiful in november. september and october have sunsets that are awash in yellow and the colors of the fall leaves, when i walk in the woods it feels like i’ve stepped into a fairytale. by november the leaves are gone and all that remains are the skeletons of trees with their dark bark, or the white of beaches like spectors in the woods. when the sun sets and turns the world from november grey to gold it feels like a piece of magic. the gold is a color i could drown in.

but it’s not yet november, october is still here with its half summer half fall weather. during my lunch break i sit at one of the few tables outside and watch cars come and go in the parking lot. snippets of conversation pass by me and i can distance myself from everything when i stare at the small maple tree covered in bright red leaves. it’s such a contrast against the blue sky. the other day i went out for lunch and found that half the leaves were gone and i realized that fall was drawing to a close.

soon it will be too cold to eat lunch outside and i’ll have to escape to the back of the garden center warehouse because i find the break room too suffocating. the windows are too high up to see out of and i dislike the sticky table clothes and stagnant air. lunches outside are rejuvenating and seem to last forever under the sunlight.

i’m trying to think back on what i did in october – studied for the hsk 4 exam, worked, went down to nyc for the exam and explored bookstores for the rest of the day…if i’d finished writing this back at the end of october instead of early december as i’m doing now, maybe i’d be able to remember more.

i read five books in october, the most in a month since i got home from china in august. there was animal – a book on female rage and how it can be destructive if unchecked, coraline – an annual spooky october reread, these violent delights – a buddy read with my friend that felt like it took forever, and a study in drowing. 2023 has been an amazing year for reading. i haven’t read this many books so far in a year since i started college. college has a tendency to suck the joys from your life. it feels lovely to be reading so much again.

every month is an odd month, there’s always unexpected things that happen and things that i wish i had done. at the end it’s still a month and i did accomplish things even if they weren’t the ones i wanted to accomplish. maybe instead of thinking about everything i didn’t do i should focus on what i did. would i be happier? or would even more be ignored?

~ ming